topic: Absolutely Not in the Know, i.e. Dad's Home Alone with the Baby

Michael: I pretty much panic when my wife leaves me home alone with the baby.

Starting out the baby’s life with mom breastfeeding sets parents up for a complete inequity in their comfort levels with the baby. One person is in rhythm with the baby’s schedule as well as the idiosyncrasies of the baby’s behavior, and the other person is largely in the dark about pretty much everything.

When my wife moved the baby to the bottle, she felt quite free to head out of the house and leave me with the kid. She never understood my apprehension about this situation.

The root of my apprehension is that if and when the baby begins to cry, I will not be certain what to do. Without the experience my wife’s had with the baby, I will be totally clueless about a correct response if and when things get hairy. The neighbors will hear a wailing little soul wail on, and they will worry. I may be arrested, or, at the least, detested.

My wife: Ok, the baby’s crying… Let’s see, I fed her only twenty minutes ago, so she’s probably not hungry. She let out a whale of a burp already, and she just woke up from her nap… Hmmm. Can’t be gassy or tired, either, then. Diaper’s fine, too. Well, maybe she needs to eat more—we have been on 6 ounces for a while now, and this does sound like her “I’m hungry!” cry. Heck—let’s try some more formula!

After another three ounces of baby formula, the baby is as happy as a clam.

Now, let’s play out the same scenario when Dad is in charge:

Dad: Ok, the baby’s crying… Let’s see, I fed her only twenty minutes ago, so maybe she’s got acid indigestion or something. Damn, do they even make Alka-seltzer for babies?? Probably not.

Think, dammit, THINK! Ok, so she can’t be hungry. Lemme change her diaper.

Wow—that’s really wasn’t too full. She seems better—oops, there she goes again. Crap!!

Well, let’s go for a walk.

The baby cries all the way around the neighborhood. Several neighbors come out to see what the ruckus is.

Back home again, Dad is at his wits’ end.

He puts her in her crib, thinking she may just be tired. Doesn’t work. He walks her around the house. Doesn’t work.

The next-door neighbor rings the doorbell and offers to help. (She's heard the baby crying...) She, too, however, is clueless about this baby’s personal schedule, and so she can’t calm the baby down either.

Soon enough, Mom calls to check in. She rushes home.

In her arms the baby quiets. Then Mom senses her hunger. The baby begins to crank up the fussiness again, but then the bottle is ready and… Guess what? The tears end and life resumes as normal.

Dad is exhausted, and scarred. It’s not easy being clueless.

Anne: Since I am the main caregiver for the baby, I realize it can be tricky for Michael when I do leave the house for something. Sometimes even now with our third baby, who's off the boobs, by the way, I feel guilty when I do go out, which is crazy because I have every right to go somewhere alone, right? But somehow I do feel guilt, and when I tell him I've got to go do this or that and leave the baby with him, his uneasiness and lack of enthusiasm plainly show.

Although he doesn't like to advertise it, he's actually pretty good at handling a baby alone, and he even juggles all three pretty well. He really is the best dad.

The crying has always bothered him, though. Leaving detailed notes and keeping my cell phone handy helps. That's really all I can do. My getting a little break here and there is just something I need, and so it's ultimately a good thing for all parties involved!