topic: What Can and Should You Expect in the Way of Help from a Baby’s Grandparents?

Michael: Everyone knows that some grandparents do a lot for their grandkids, and some do very little. Some grandparents help financially, some help with chores and babysitting, and some do both and then some! On the other hand, some grandparents are pretty uninvolved--they feel like they're pretty much done with raising kids!

We all also see that some parents are thankful for the assistance they get from grandparents, and some parents resent it--it seems like meddling to them. Other parents simply expect it!

Others feel slighted, seeing disparities between what they have and what their friends and siblings have regarding the the grandparent-grandchild relationship. They also may feel slighted simply because things aren't going the way they expected that they would go.

As a new parent, the "grandparent involvement issue" is the kind of thing you might not see coming--but if you're expecting or if you've just had your first baby, this is something you will be dealing with, if you haven't begun to deal with it already.

Although problems don't often boil over, beneath the surface tension does often exist between parents with a new baby and the baby's grandparents. Everyone has his or her own private expectations, plus there are quite a few people involved between Mom and Dad and both sides of the family. Unless there's plenty of understanding and/or open communication, some friction or resentment is certain to be there.

A baby's parents might ask themselves, "Why doesn't Grandma offer to babysit once in a while?" or "I wonder why Grandpa doesn't visit more often since the baby was born" or "I wonder why Grandma seems so uncomfortable to be left alone with the baby" or "I wish Grandpa wouldn't undermine my authority like that!"

Grandparents may wonder "How come they don't come and see me more often with my adorable new grandchild?" or "She seems so protective--I wonder if she trusts me with her baby" or "I don't want to be the meddling in-law, so I'm going to take a hands-off approach with my grandkids."

And so, people are torn. What should a person's expectations be for the role of grandparents when that new baby arrives? Is it right for parents to expect their own parents to help out with the care of the baby here and there, or is any help one receives from a baby's grandparents just gravy?

The easy answer is "it depends."

First, do your parents want to be involved with your baby beyond birthdays, holidays, and the occasional social call type of visit, and are they able to be so involved?

Second, do you want them to be very involved with caring for your baby? Do you need them to be involved beyond the typical family get togethers, such as in assisting you with daycare when you go back to work or offering to babysit once in a while so you and your spouse can have the occasional dinner date without the baby in tow?

Everyone needs to come to terms with the reality of the situation as well as the fact that his or her expectations may be different from others' expectations

No matter if grandparents are very involved or not very involved in the daily lives of their grandchildren, there are some do's and don't's everyone involved should keep in mind.

Here's a quick list of do's and don't's for proud new grandparents:

• Do try to remember how hectic life was for you when you had a baby to care for. What kind of help do you remember needing or wishing for when you had a baby in the house (whether you got that help or not!)?
• Do make unsolicited offers to babysit here and there so Mom and Dad can get away for a few hours on their own.
• Do hop up and change a diaper once in a while--we know you know how!
• Do let Mom and Dad know if you're not able to babysit. You don't have to be the all-time babysitter!
• Don't criticize how your grandchild is being raised, how their dressed, etc.

For new parents here's a list of do's and don't's concerning grandparents:

• Don't expect grandparents to be your personal daycare specialists. Be sure you're not taking advantage of their willingness to help--they may find it difficult to say "no."
• Don't be shy about asking Grandma or Grandpa to watch the kids for a few hours once in a while.
• Don't criticize how Grandma or Grandpa is handling your baby--trust them, and don't expect them to handle everything the way you do.
• Do thank your parents if they watch your kids--they aren't contractually bound to do it!
• Do be sensitive to grandparents' point of view. How did you feel about volunteering to help out a friend or a sibling with her baby? Sure, grandparents are family, but the responsibility of raising your baby is YOURS, not theirs.

No matter the involvement level of grandparents in your baby's life, it's a relationship that requires thoughtfulness, mutual respect, and a little TLC from both sides!

Anne: