topic: Your Social Circle: the Slow Retreat

Michael: If you’re reading this, you have had or soon will be having a baby. And there’s a good chance that some in your circle of friends do not yet have children. You may soon find yourself drifting away from these folks—couples without kids and couples with kids are on different paths in life.

No matter how much you’d like to prevent it, your having a child will change your social life.

The changes are slow. At first, your wife will, hopefully, stop drinking alcohol and will continue her abstinence (or near abstinence) for the duration of her pregnancy (as well as through the breastfeeding stage if you go that route). This isn’t a big deal, plus the husband gains an all-time designated driver! However, going out with friends may not be quite the same as it once was. You may begin to decline some invitations to hang out with the old gang. As the pregnancy stretches on, your wife will become more easily fatigued, too, and so even on those nights when you do go out, they will probably be pretty early nights.

The other thing is that this baby’s pending arrival is something your mind is occupied with, and so you’ll naturally want to have some conversations related to having a baby. But will your child-less friends? Probably not—they may accommodate you from time to time, but that’s a topic they would rather not come up over and over. It’s just not something they’re interested in. How interested are you in other people’s children? As a result, you’ll probably find yourself gravitating away from friends of yours who don’t have kids, and if there are friends in your circle who do have young children, you will most likely begin to gravitate toward them more and more. Finally, you can appreciate where they’ve been coming from!

Of course, once the baby comes, you’ve got this little baby and its schedule on your mind pretty much 24-7. If you’ve got great babysitters around, like willing grandparents, good for you—it will help hold together your social life, and it’s going to save you lots of money! Even still, though, it doesn’t mean you can get back to partying like it’s 1999! The baby isn’t going to care how late you were out the night before; it’s going to wake up and cry for Mommy whenever it feels like it, like 2 a.m., 3 a.m., and/or 4 a.m., etc.

In addition, your wife is going to be a little more sensitive about you heading out to hang with the guys, too, since not having anyone around to provide a break now and then is tough with naturally needy infants. And how are you going to feel about that 8 a.m. Sunday morning tee time when the baby has kept you awake half the night? How will you feel about leaving your wife alone with the baby for four or five hours after she’s been awake with the baby all night?

Nothing I’m saying makes it impossible to keep running with your circle of friends, but it’s just not nearly as easy and maybe not as fun as it used to be. You may drift apart from your pals a little for a while, but eventually most of them will catch up to you in the baby department. Then the friendships are reincarnated with family outings and parties centered around your children’s celebrations, but that’s down the road—you’ve got to realize that your social life as you’ve known and lived it will all be on a bit of a hiatus, at least, when that baby crashes your party!

Anne: